The Education of “Cuzzin” Bert

By
Jake Butcher

I've got a cousin. Her name is Roberta Beeman. We call her “cuzzin” Bert. She's a pixie sort of a gal who wouldn't say boo to a mosquito. Bert is the quiet even-tempered type whose innocence never allowed her to learn four-letter words. The worst expression to come forth from Bert is “blue blazes.” When that happened, I knew that she was boilin' mad. Anyway, all the niceties characterizing “cuzzin” Bert disappeared after she was introduced to the Tesla coil.

It all happened one day when Bert and Jim Beeman were making a visit during their vacation trip. Jim is an electrical engineer who showed a great interest in the high voltage paraphernalia adorning my workshop. Bert followed along. They both enjoyed the demonstrations I gave using one of my small models. I even allowed Bert to hold a fluorescent lamp. She was amazed to find it alive with light even though there were no wires connected to it. She then turned and asked, what about this one? What happens if I hold the bulb this close?

Bert was referring to my 1.5 KVA coil. It stands about 30" high and throws a hot 36" spark. Bert was holding the fluorescent bulb about 24" from the toroid. The temptation was too great to resist so I flipped the switch to the ON and back to the OFF position. The total time it took to complete the cycle was about 1/100th of a second. The result could have been a lesson in Einstein's Theory of Relativity. For Bert, the 1/100th of a second seemed like an eternity.

Bert's body stiffened as though she experienced an instant drop in temperature approaching absolute zero. Bright blue sparks jumped from her sneakers into the concrete floor. Suddenly, she came out of the deep freeze and started to do a dance that would make a Navaho Indian jealous with envy. It was about this time that Bert gave out with the obscenities. She even taught me a few new ones. Jim and I looked at one another - and then at Bert. Our minds were tuned to the same frequency. Is this the sylph-like bundle of joy, we asked, who just five minutes before had floated into the workshop? It just goes to show that a little bit of education can be dangerous.